Stream of Consciousness

Everything has been so jumbled up in my head lately, that I have about 10 different posts floating around in my head, so please excuse the rambles...

.....am very excited to see my two cats in four days time. I miss them dearly (even the whiney stupid one) and hope they won't hate me for spending ten days in a kennel....

.... am beyond over my family's complete inability to care at all when there is a baby asleep and modulate their noise levels. Not tippy-toes and whispers, mind you, just some calm, gentle requests to not scream so loud and perhaps turn down the movie theater volume level coming off the tv (keep in mind, these are folks 20 and older, not little ones who can't self regulate).

..... am beyond over criticism couched in the form of "parenting advice" - he'd sleep better in a crib, just let him have X junk food, he's on vacation (we're visiting family in the FL Keys), don't change your activities when the baby is sleeping or he'll never get used to it (hello?! my activities don't include SCREAMING in the next room while playing a game. ANYONE would wake up for that), don't nurse him when he's hurt, why aren't you nursing him when he cries at night.... and the list goes on....

.... am in desperate need for likeminded friends/conversations - crunchy folks, or Catholic folks, or both folks... I miss having people like me...

.... missing my dear, handsome husband so hard it hurts....

.... trying desperately to hold off taking a pregnancy test because its embarassing how early I am willing to do those things, even though I KNOW they don't work that early and I KNOW its unlikely it would be what I want it to be anyways.

.... am more than embarassed I am even mentioning that online.

.... reminding myself that noone reads this but me, so don't get too full of myself :)

.... trying to figure out how to reconcile lots of nightwaking and terrible all morning nursing and how that is driving me bonkers with a poor little, confused toddler, whose Papa is gone, whose BED is gone, and whose any semblance of routine is gone.... sigh.

.... thinking that there is nothing like a boat ride and warm Gulf water.

.... thinking that the above would be better with Brian to share it.

.... becoming disturbed with my inability to be around/watch other dating and married couples. Really, its petty and selfish, but their touchiness makes me so darn sad... and my heart hurts. And, I just want to get between them and say, "you stop that, don't you know that MY husband isn't here! Why are you making it worse?", when of course, I realize that is a) insane and 2) beyond uncharitable.

.... realizing and admitting to myself that my pathetic excuse for a prayer life that I began from Mother's Rule of Life (some little morning prayers from my Mama Prayer Book & reading the daily readings) is completely shot to heck since we moved. Fortunately, Johnny's bedtime prayers are still firmly intact, which must indeed be my saving grace.

.... realizing that much of my mood would be improved and my patience would increase exponentially if said prayer life was back on track. Thus, I am resolving to begin again TOMORROW.

.... needing to pray more and more in all the moments of the day and starting LOVING in the little things. Little things done in love are sanctifying. St. Therese, help me to love in the little things....