I've come to understand in a very concrete way how very unnatural marital separation is for spouses. Unnatural, as in it goes against nature, against the way in which God intended marriage to operate.
There are so many holes, cracks and crevices that Satan uses to creep into your marriage and your mind during these times of stress and strain; so many constant tiny battles, re-fortifications, recommittments that just wear and wear upon husbands and wives who are apart.
The reason that marriage is a sacrament - an efficacious sign of God's grace instituted by Christ Himself - the reason that marriage not only show's forth God's grace but actually confers it upon the couple and their children - is that it is a visible reality of our heavenly goal. Marriage with Christ in heaven is what we're aiming for - perfect union, body and soul with our Beloved Spouse, united as One Bride (in Him), the Church.
That's all well and good, you might say, a beautiful and lofty endgame full of angel wings and puffy white clouds of grace and Love and so on. But here and now, in the nittygritty of car payments, dirty diapers, garbage days on Friday and so on, it still matters.
God made us to be physical people - our bodies instruct our souls; we come to know spiritual Truth through our physical senses. And so too with the eschaton - our taste of heaven now comes through our bodies. We consume Christ in the Eucharist, we feel His comfort on our brow through holy oils in the Anointing of the Sick, and we see the sign of our union with Him forever in the union we share with our spouse.
I was chastising myself for my loneliness, frustration and general empty feeling the other day - God should fill your holes, I said. Jesus is enough!
Obviously, in a general, perfect eternal sense, of course He is! He is the perfect Bridegroom, Lover of my heart and Savior of my soul. But He gave my husband to me for a reason!
I feel empty and incomplete after being away from my husband for so long because God did not intend us to be. He wants us to be together; He wants us to be that efficacious sign, making visible the invisible reality of what awaits us all in heaven. He made our hearts to fit together as one half of the heart that fits with His Most Sacred One.
It takes three to be married, and right now, we're still one short.
Sometimes God puts us on a path that will test our human nature because He knows it will bring us closer to Him. Having been through three combat deployments now, I can assure you that the marriages that make it are the ones where the spouses drew closer to God during their separation from one another, the ones that have fallen apart took a more selfish route, believing they're the only ones that endure deployments. No one has ever said it's easy, many agree with your laments, and it takes a strong willed woman to just keep going when all she wants to do is scream "F it!!" and throw the towel in. Been there MANY times especially when I faced having to give birth alone. That one really sucked.
ReplyDeleteGod willing, this separation is only temporary. Keep plugging away while the rest of us keep praying for you guys. And one of these days, we'll actually stop saying we'll do dinner and actually get together. :)
Oh Mama, tears for you. It shows amazing strength in a marriage and faith in your beliefs to do what you are doing. I hope your prayers can fill some of the void, I hope Brian is able to come to you in your dreams and hold you close and I hope the months pass quickly and the two (three) of you are together again. thankfully, you have two other amazing men in your life to cuddle now and always. Thinking of you!!
ReplyDeletethanks ladies. sometimes you just have to put the thoughts down on "paper" you know?
ReplyDeleteand Theresa, i cannot IMAGINE giving birth alone so God bless you for that! and for REAL about dinner! i also have that diaper to give back to you for your coming little one! :)
Oh Lina,
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you. I will keep you in my prayers <3
Love,
Jenn
Hi! Just found your blog and wanted to say that I prayed for you the other night! My husband is set to deploy in September, and I still can't wrap my head around him just NOT being here. He's doing field training now and I was just so stinkin' LONELY the other night that I started crying. But then I realized that there are many more people worse off than me. My husband is somewhere on post, doing training with guys on "our team." He's not overseas facing the enemy. He is alive and well! Why am I sitting here feeling sorry for myself? So I decided that I would pray for those who are having to wait a MUCH longer time than me to be reunited with their other half. Hugs to you and you'll be in my prayers.
ReplyDeletePS. Your little boys are gorgeous.
I have these exact thoughts so many times when my husband is deployed. Oh, so many times. But I think it is the graces of the Sacrament that make the separation bearable to me, as well.prayers to you and yours.
ReplyDelete