The Man Inside

My boy child took a step toward manhood today - he went to the MCCW childcare with no tears and no fuss.

Let me preface this by saying that my boyo is my no means attached to my hip. He's left his Mama's side many times, with many folks from Papa to Nana, Tia to Grammy and based on his never ending litany of requests to go to the neighbor boy's house, I'm pretty sure he'd live over there if I let him. Actually, no, he would definitely live there if I let him - two days ago, he told me he wanted to live with Miss Amy (neighbor boy's mother)!

However, he has never been a fan of going into rooms full of strangers, particularly taller than him strangers, and just hanging out without a familiar face. And really, who can blame him? I don't like do it as an adult and I have memories of childhood - mostly of the fear - of being in circumstances like that and I hated it too. In addition, with the deployment, he's become a little more attached - not liking me to go upstairs without him, because he can't see me. Perfectly natural, given the circumstances with his Papa being gone.

Luckily, we've never been in a situation where he had no choice - both of us needing to work, or an emergency with his brother or something, where my Boyo would have to stay with someone else regardless of his opinion.

And, I knew that when he was ready, it would fine. One less apron string would tie him to me and on his merry way he'd go, with nary a wave goodbye.

Until then, though, he has tagged along with me to MCCW meetings and the like - sitting beside me with snacks and coloring and his guys to play with. But, its hard for a three year old boy to be quiet and still for literally hours during a mama bible study - hard and borrrrring. So, it usually results in a frustrated mama with a nonwhispering kid (you'd think that my kid of all people would know how to whisper, right?).

So last week after MCCW, I threw up my hands on the way to the parking lot (thank goodness for Ergos. I might have dropped someone) and told my son that he needed to try the "buddy's room" because he was driving me crazy (oh the mama guilt I've had over that). "It's fun in there," I told him. "You don't have to be quiet! They have toys and snacks! Mama would come get you after I was done - its so boring with the Mama buddies!"

"No, he told me, I want to stay with you." I didn't argue with him and I honestly had no plans to force him to do anything. Its not worth it for me to leave him when I know he's scared and alone right next door to me, just to have a little social time.

Then, in the car on the way home, he brought it back up - "Mama, I go to the buddies' room next time. I no cry!" Of his own accord, he offered this. I almost felt guilty - did he understand what I meant about driving me crazy? Over the course of the next week, I asked him a couple more times if he still wanted to do it and he told me yes.

But, he would get this "brave" face - his eyes would get big like he was trying not to cry and he looked a little scared. Still, though, he told me yes.

This morning, we pulled into the parking lot and I reminded him that today he was going to the buddies' room. "No, Mama, I go with you!" "But, remember? The buddies' room has toys! Mama's buddies are boring - you'll have lots of fun! I'll check on you!"

He looked at me again with the big, no-cry eyes. "Otay," he said. "Yes, I go. What time you get me?" Not of course, that he tells time.

And he went. With a shaky smile, he found a Mr. Incredible toy and I kissed him goodbye. I checked on him a couple of times through the window - no tears to be seen. Honestly, I'm still a little in shock.

What struck me about this whole event was not that he went by himself; he's growing up and that's to be expected. Nor is it that he didn't cry, or anything like that. What broke my heart a little bit today is that I'm pretty convinced he went to childcare even though he didn't want to.

He was brave. This is the first time I've ever seen him "buck up," as my mother put it later on the phone. And, maybe, he even did it for me.

I caught a glimpse of a man inside my baby boy today and I could not have been more proud.